Day 1-3: Success at Last!

Hey all-

Okay, it's been three days in the 30 day challenge. Have a few epiphanies, and one "successful" night. But the epiphanies overall-more important.

Day 1: Stopped at every turn. Don't know exactly what happened, but I do remember the first time I thought "fuck, I really don't know anyone in DC. that needs to change, okay prof?". So after working out, instead of going home and doing whatever i do there (not blog appropriate), i stopped by the grungy-but-cool-looking bar near my home.

Went in and ordered a drink (and after a workout, basically got me drunk), and joked around with this really drunk and possibly gay black guy.

And even though I felt out of place; even though I had a hard time acting normal and not intimidated and shy around this truly nice gjuy; I realized the benefits of just doing straight up NEW things. I'm sitting there and realizing that all the times that I didn't want to get drinks with friends after work... that I was missing something basic (that's sometimes lost on them too, to be fair): the beauty of just kicking back with friends and enjoying life. The tables around me were full of mid-30s and older people just hanging out and talking and joking... what an empty life without that sort of communal happiness. Right fucking on.

Day 2: More depressing than the last? Dunno. I didn't have anything planned (need to get better--got the full rss feed + google calendar things going on now, so I'm golden), and on my way out of work, ask a quiet but cool girl if we wants to join me to some far-off mall that supposed (though not in reality...) has cheap eye exams. (I need contacts if I'm going to truly rock out this month).

She joined me, and then we went to a local bar that I would never go to otherwise--out in VA, somewhere I generally avoid (city snob that I am).

It was cool--suddenly I'm hanging out with someone new, watching a local poker tournament, and spent an hour browsing clothes in a mall. When do i ever do these things?

But it was also sort of sobering. "Being social" is not enough. She was cool but shy--and frankly didn't want a rockstar life. I realized that even the right places require the right people to have a good time, and build deep social circles. Shy people--or whatever--just aren't going to cut it. Being social is more than hanging out with people--it's gotta be the right people. Or maybe I just need to bring the party myself? Way of the superior man, no doubt.

Day 3: The first UNQUALIFIED SUCCESS.

Same situation as before. No friends. I'm getting used to this concept. There's an epic concert that I just heard about--a "gypsy punk" band called Gogol Bordello. But it's epic, and sold out, and I'm just too late. But it's looks so cool--an entire club dancing insanely, sweaty, and loving it.

So I'm resigned to watch a different band at a club loner style (that's not sold out), and just hope to god my ex isn't there with her friends. Not the way of the superior man, but anyway... but instead start talking to a friend of mine in the gym--and convince HIM to try to buy tickets with me. And he invites a girl he knows; I work my skills outside the club and suddenly we have three tickets and a kickass concert to go to.

And in the middle moshing around with big dudes, small dudes, young girls, and girls my age (god forbid), it occurs to me a) how awesome life is, b) how even with the right PEOPLE and the right SITUATION (this band is amazing, trust me), you still need the right c) skills/attitudes/etc. to take it the next level. I realized that in order to create the situations that I'm dying to have, I need to learn the skills to make them work.

My buddy R is a serious flirt, so he opens everyone and gets everyone talking everywhere. Good stuff. By the end of the show, I'm rocking out and see this beautiful girl sort of next to me. So I nod to her, put my shoulder up against hers, and we start jumping in time with one another and generally rocking out. And it's totally fucking cool. Did I mention she's beautiful?

At the end of the night, she's talking with a guy with her girlfriend, and I keep hesistating to go back and say whatsup. But instead of beating myself up about it, I just sort of laugh about it. Much healthier. Anyway, end up rolling up to say hi, and totally, totally blow it.

I talk with her for a second, joke with the guy, then lean over and ask him "is it cool if I ask for her number?" I know. Embarrassing. But let me continue. He says, "Well, she has a boyfriend." At this point, I feel comfortably (if depressingly) in friend territory, and just say to her "You have a boyfriend?!!!" and whatever. End with "nice meeting you."

No name. No number. Not even MY name. Jesus. AFC all the way. [Side note: once saw a logo that said "AFC Not For Me". How much do I want that shirt.]

But imagine this instead. Walk up:

prof: Hey, wanted to introduce myself. I'm prof.
girl: i'm _____
girl2: _____
guy: _______
prof: it's was fun dancing with you two. you come here much?
girl: [whatever.]
prof: what was the last show?
girl: [asdf]
prof: not bad [or whatever]. I'm seeing DBT on Friday... you going?
girl: Yeah, actually...
prof: cool, i'm pre-partying with some friends beforehand. why don't come out? i'll call you when I head out.

etc, etc.

Here's the point: she WANTED me to be confident. She WANTED me to feel worthy. She WANTED me to make her work. She WANTED me to invite her to something that wasn't a DATE or GIRLFRIEND related, but a chance for her to impress me and vice versa.

Especially at this age, people are just looking for people that believe they are worthy. Jobs, girls, whatever. Able to take pushback (as we say in the consulting world, etc.), and able to make them work for you as much you work for them. Way of the superior man.

I sold myself short--once again. Maybe that's the most IMMEDIATE thing I want to change. Just the feeling of worthiness; the expectations for how other people should react to me. Because people WANT to interact with people who feel worthy--not superior, but worthy--because it's a deeper interaction; it's not hidden behind lots of little jokes, nervous polite questions, lack of eye contact, and fundamental fear. The "skill" that puas learn is largely around becoming, believing, and acting like you're worthy of whatever you is that you want. And that goes for everything, no?

--

But larger point, that shouldn't be forgotten--Day 3 was a raging success. This is the sort of concert that every later goes, "man, I wish I went to that." The 30 Day Challenge is already a success, but need to keep finding a) situations, b) people, and c) the attitude and skills that we create the social situations that I truly want.

We'll see. How you boys doing?

-prof