Day 4 - Old Habits Die Hard + Letting Go

Another day, another party. Gotta love it.

Day 4: Thanks to my Google Calendar (tm), I knew that today was the going away party for a friend of mine that I "picked up" at a party (although she insists that she also picked up me... whatever) over a YEAR AGO. Scary. And it's at a bar famous for college students--gigantic, tons of people, most of whom seem very, very single. And a bit young. Or in the Navy. You get the picture.

Boyfriends
Ahead of time, I find out she's dating someone now so I'm prepared for hanging out with her friends, etc. I bring a good friend of mine (WB), and we go into the shit-show bar. I see her from the distance--looking extremely attractice, and very very drunk. I approach to say hi...

AND THEN SHE KISSES ME. On the lips. And starts touching me. And I look to her friend, and she's like WE NEED TO GO NOW. I turn to her other friend, and ask her about the boyfriend--"He's right there, in the blue polo shirt (no joke)."

Fucked up. Through the night, she returns to dance with me (drunkenly--I almost killed her while trying to dip her....) until I tell her to stop trying to make her boyfriend jealous.

An ego boost? Yes. Totally fucked up? Yes too. I've never been on the other side of that, but I've been close--hanging out with a girlfriend's ex, or previous/current crush, etc.--but this must have been brutal.

Old Habits
Saw the girl from twenty feet away. I think beautiful--buddy doesn't see much in her, particularly. But I don't know--I pick up on personality more than most... that's why I don't really think about models, etc. Don't like most of their vibes.

My buddy starts talking to her--"Is your name Stephanie?", etc., etc. I chode out. She's nearby for the rest of the night (and this is BIG bar). And I never talk to her. Guys keep approaching her; I see guys open them. What a wonderful world; but I feel like I'm five years old. Totally intimidated if you not by her--she was quite nice to my obnoxious friend--by the constant stream of guys. Intimidation: need to leave it behind.

She was SUPPOSED to be mine. I don't know how I know that, but I do.

Don't go home alone
But the night isn't over yet. And after dragging a friendofafriend (visiting from law school elsewhere) to the dance floor; after communicating zero needy-interest in her, her friend invites both of us back to her place. Fast-forward a few hours, I'm telling her all my theories of attraction/life, and she's like YES!!!! Evidently law school is the worst of the worst: a bunch of nerdy guys who plan on using money, looks, and status to get girls. Quid pro quo--like a contract. That's hot. Not.

Anyway, I guess I established that "I'm not the other guys," because she wanted me to TEACH other guys this stuff--I was like, um, I'm still working on my game, thanks.

I ended up on the couch with her, cuddling, and I'm convinced one of the main reasons is that I'm constantly thinking "eh, this could go either way and i'm completely fine with it," while still slowly moving in the direction of happening.

[I have a theory that people sub-consciously directly pick up your thoughts--and I actually mean directly. Its not paranormal: just that people's brains are part of their bodies, and therefore thoughts create ripples in the body. Just read the tai-chi parts of The Art of Learning. Actually don't--it's going to be my christmas gift for everybody.]

I'm giving off that thought deeply, and it's very comfortable. We start cuddling, and at one point she tells me "I don't want to have sex." And I react in a way I haven't really reacted in for a long time--like a gentleman. Sort of. "Okay, don't worry about it. We won't." And then just keep on keeping on.

And as I said it, all worry just sort of floated away in her. It was cool. She established that she has some power, that I respect it, but that I'm also not going to (a) give up, (b) be hurt, (c) feel ashamed. We ended up not (again, totally fine) but more importantly it felt right.

Woke up, walked home, and made it work half hour late. Not bad.

Lessons learned
1) Girls like lots of guys. They spend time with multiple guys at a time. They generally sleep with only one at a time, but sometimes more (e.g. Sperm Wars). If they are not, they are at least preparing the next possible guy to sleep with while dating one guy. (That's just subconscious common sense.)

2) Not choding out is my number one self-development goal. In anything. I actually just choded out at lunch--beautiful looking girl in a table nearby, looked interesting and beautiful. Had plenty of opportunity. Fundamentally, I think the 30 Day Challenge is about not choding out in the broadest sense of the word.

3) Only WANT things insofar as you can avoid feeling rejected, shamed, disappointed, or otherwise if you DON'T get them. (Paradoxical, I know.) Any of those feelings will be communicated beforehand, hurting both your ability to function, the flow of the situation, and your perceived value. Must learn to "want" without disturbing the flow between you and the wanted--an art of desire?

Going to a concert tonight. What's up with y'all?

prof