Hey all - Busy week for Prof. Going to try to learn some lessons from it all--since that's what it seems all the other guys do to deal with CONSTANT REJECTION.
But let me back up. Here's the week in short:
(A) Email to girl in elevator (good times, btw.) No response.
(B) Girl Wednesday - Make out on my bed until she starts saying, "I feel like I shouldn't be doing this." I push (seriously, this is not me...), get sensitive, and eventually complete my transformation from "playful sexual confident guy" to "can't-get-laid-sensitive-total-weirdo-guy". Excellent. From answering my calls with "Nothing. What are YOU doing??" to answering my calls with... nothing at all.
(C) Called hot waitress. Said "Waitress?" She hung up. Left chode message. Super-chode. Like straight-up 9th grade high school style. No response--shocking. Sent her text two days later; no response. Dead dead dead.
(D) Spent friday dancing with a friend. She's cute, it was hot. I'm thinking "This is fun." Then at 3:00am walking home I'm thinking... what a complete waste. Just a lonely walk, while other guys escort their brides-to-be home...
(E) Saturday night: go to the party my ex begged me to go to... and watch her flirt with this total chode all night (he's tall! wearing a trucker hat! and doesn't shave! DO ME!!!!! - girls get a fucking grip). And when I mean all night, I mean I said about 10 words to her the entire night, because she was "out of sight" with the guy. Quite the host. But most of all I'm like--fuck, THIS guy is hooking it tonight, and I'M not? With my ex? Jesus. Pain.
(Maverick wants to know whats up with ex's tormenting me long after the breakup--ones that I instigated. Ummm... tough to explain. I think the painful part for me is just seeing a guy hook up with her EASILY while I'm not hooking up with anyone. It's like, HE'S JUST GOING TO FUCK YOU??? JUST LIKE THAT??? Goddamn. That's justifiably depressing when you're out of luck in the same situation. But I'm also a jealous person, evidently. And sensitive.)
(F) Foreign girl blows me off. Friday. Today (I think--no response yet.) Good fucking times. What did I do with her wrong? Didn't pursue, played it too cool--chasing other girls, and this one goes cold. Sad.
(G) Then the general realization: what if it is actually HARD to be with girls? Like what if it's actually difficult, and I'm not just lazy and rarely put myself in good situations? And THAT question scares the shit out of me. I know that's some guys' frames, and I suddenly got this sneak-peek of the DESPERATION that must consume some guys out there. But it will not be mine and not anyone one this blog hopefully. But even understanding that way of thinking totally fucks with me.
As I remember telling Protag once: there's "quality" music at every level musical complexity/skill. Pavement really suck at their instruments: but their music is still really "good"--we appreciate "goodness" (authenticity? spontaneity? dunno...) across different levels of skill. So although Bill Evans and Pavement are light-years different in terms of musical sophistication, but both share "quality." (If this reminds of Pirsig's Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintainence... well it probably should.)
So that's always been my attitude: whatever your level, opportunities, etc., you can still make QUALITY music, love, work, etc. (check out Opus 40 for instance)--but you can also make SHITTY things despite a high level of skill (see lots of jazz fusion).
Why I am writing this: I felt the pangs of DESPERATION for the first time in a long time--when I realized I've been going out for three weeks pretty much all week, and yet every girl has fallen off and the person I actually slept with was a TOTAL PSYCHO.
I live in the land of plenty (as you all know). It is depressing, and makes me doubt myself. I need to stop. There's quality at every level, and I'm sure I can find it for myself wherever I am. But damn... scary to see what lies over the edge.
LESSONS:
a) Pursue--pursue without desperation, but understand that some things in life require it.
b) Do not interact with important people when you're "out of state." The answers will not come to you.
c) Find ways of GETTING IN STATE. (I've thought of some sports analogies for things... Maverick?)
d) Ditch the desperation... make people work to be in your life--enjoy everyone but keep your standards.
e) Be sexually forward when the situation is FIRST presented. Do not hold back. Do not feel ashamed. Because holding back DESTROYS what the person sees in you in the first place.
f) Hook up outside, in bathrooms, etc. See above. (My ex always wanted to fuck outside, and I never understood until now... she wanted ME not to be able to wait.)
Random thoughts for a Sunday--and a long week.
Prof
p.s. Just re-set up my Wii. Never a great sign.
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1 comment:
Sounds like a tough week indeed. But one doesn't learn from the successes, so it's aaaalll good.
The more I think about, having a good group of friends that you're with all the time is super important. Because then it's like you're never desperate. You can always play video games/surf with your pals. And then you absolutely don't need anyone. Because you and your friends are cooler than the other kids anyways.
Your destiny lies west, prof. Quit job, move to City, start band, surf, snowboard, get laid. These are the things in store for you.
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